Kids WANT structure and discipline!

Ok, so I'm sure when you read the title you might have winced or cringed a little bit.  Talking about kids and discipline isn't the most fun topic.  Truly, most people shy away from any talk of discipline.  Why is that?  Discipline isn't bad.  It's actually a very good and necessary thing.  Kids need discipline.  They crave discipline and structure. They want to know you've set boundaries for them.  Why do you think they push those boundaries?  They want to know you mean what you say.  That your no is a no.  Discipline and structure to a child gives them peace.  It helps them feel safe.  That they are loved and cared for, even if it means they don't always get their way.  When they know you are in control, they feel ok.  If they don't feel you are in control, they will start to do things (and usually not good things) to feel control.

I could go on for a long time on this topic.  It's something I'm passionate about.  Don't get me wrong--I'm not talking about spankings or beating, or being an overbearing control freak.  I'm talking about guiding your child in the way he or she should go... having good healthy rules and discipline.  When they stumble off the path, lovingly but firmly placing them back on the sidewalk.  It doesn't take much to look at society today and realize that we are in a mess.  Why?  There is no discipline.  Who is running the show?  Parents are NOT suppose to be their child's friend.  Can you have a loving and close relationship with your child?  Absolutely.  Should your child feel they can tell you almost anything?  Sure.  But you are not their best friend.  You are there to guide and direct them through life.  To teach them how to be a functioning, well mannered adult.  How many of those do we have walking around these days?  From my perspective--not many!

I came into work one day a few weeks ago and G was saying good bye to Little Man and they had a conversation that went something like this:

G: "(Little Man), what kind of choices are we going to make today?"
LM: "Good choices"
G: "That's right.  And why are we going to make good choices?"
LM: "for good desults (results)"
G: "And what happens if we make bad choices"
LM: "bad desults"
G: "and what are those bad results going to be?"
LM: "No 'tar wars"
G: "and?"
LM: "and a 'panking!"
G: "That's right.  So we are going to listen to Miss Bethany and make good choices today, right?"
LM: "Yes sir"
G: "Good.  Love you!"
LM: "Love you!"

This isn't the first time a conversation like this went down, but I sat there quietly rejoicing!!  Who do you think taught Little Man what good choices and bad choices are?  ME!  Who do you think taught him that good choices make good results and bad choices make bad results?  ME!  Who do you think told G that this is how it is being taught? ME!  What sweet victory to have my boss basically giving my lessons and speech!!! :)

And you know what-- Little Man ABSOLUTELY KNOWS what is a good choices and what is a bad choice.  He knows what it means to have a good "desult" and what it means to have a bad "desult".  Do you know when I started teaching him this?  When he was an early 3 and going through that terrible three year old time where he thought purposely disobeying was productive.  Did the light switch on right away?  No.  But was the foundation laid?  You better believe it.  I felt it was important for Little Man to see the connection.  Instead of me constantly just taking away his toys or putting him in time out, I wanted him to know and realize that he was the one making the choice!  It was up to him.   Life is full of choices and we all have to live with the consequences of our choices.  The earlier we learn this, the better off we (and everyone around us) will be.  After a few months of me consistently pointing out good choices and bad choices or asking him if he was making a good choice or a bad choice, do you know what happened?  We walked out of a soccer class last fall and Little Man said, "Man, those boys sure were making bad choices today weren't they?"  (Insert Bethany doing the freaking happy dance!!!!)  I said, "you are right, they sure were.  I am so proud of you for making good choices in there.  Even when the rest of the class was not."  Then we talked about how that makes you feel good when you make good choices.  I also promptly lavished with with "good desults".  Every few minutes I pointed out how great it was for him to be enjoying his reward.  He was three and a half.  He got it.

Nothing drives me more crazy when people say things like, "Oh, he's just a kid" to dismiss bad behavior.  Or "boys will be boys".  Or "She's only two (or three, or four, or five).  She doesn't know any better".  She doesn't know any better because YOU haven't taught her!!!!!!!  Those are all excuses parents, teachers, grandparents and caregivers say to make themselves feel better for not disciplining.

What most people don't understand as they dismiss their child's temper-tantrum under some label such as "the terrible twos" is that you have from the age of 1 to about 4 or 5 to shape how your child will behave and view you as a disciplinarian for the rest of their lives.   By the time they start school, they have their world view, their behaviors, and their attitudes figured out.  It is too late.  You will not change it.  If you have let them get away with murder from the age of 2 to 4 because it was "just a phase" or "they are too young", let me warn you now---you are in for a looooooooong ride!  It always amazed me the parents that came in and couldn't understand why their kid couldn't put his own backpack away, or turn in his papers, or behaved in my class but was a wreck at home (fill in the blank with any other crazy thing).  Almost always they were the same parents that were cutting their child's food at age 6, or carrying their child's coat/backpack/snack/ and toy to the car while their child told them what was going to happen next.  It amazed me how many times, as a teacher, I had to tell a student in front of his mom or dad (that he just disrespected) that we don't talk to grown ups that way. 

You have to discipline the most from age 1 to 5.  I promise, if you lay the good foundation, the later years will be so much easier!  You can't let them get away with murder at 4 and then expect that when they are a teenager they are going to believe that your no is actually no.  My pastor's wife said a great thing.  She said (paraphrasing) that how you let them act at 3 is how they are going to act at 13.  If it's not ok at 13, then it's not ok at 3.  What you let them get away with at 4 is what they are going to try to get away with at 14.  If you don't want them talking back at age 13, then you better not let them talk back at 3.

You know what's the greatest thing about instilling good and bad choices in Little Man?  When we are out in public and kids aren't behaving, I don't have to worry-- he calls them out! :)  How fabulous is that?  And he can get away with it because he's 4.  A mom probably wouldn't like it if I said something.  For example, last week there was a little kid at the park that was being a bully and constantly getting (ineffectively) punished by his mom.  He started picking on Little Man and was starting to pull his hair.  I got up and started going to his rescue yelling "Hey!" when the mom noticed.  She went over and grabbed her son and said the same thing she had been telling him all day, which was to be nice.  Then told him he had to sit out, which lasted all of 2 minutes before she was (rewarding bad behavior) pushing him on a swing.  Little Man said loud enough for the mom to hear, "Befany, that mean boy sure was making some bad choices wasn't he?"  I (grinning) said, "yes he was".  LM said, "I wonder why he's being so naughty.  He shouldn't be making such bad choices should he?"  :) I love that kid!  Love your kids enough to set boundaries, have rules, follow through, give guidance and discipline when necessary, and have structure.  You will be amazed at how much they will thrive on it!

(Note: I by no means think LM or myself are perfect.  I don't think I'll have perfect children either.  Actually, I'm pretty sure they will give me a run for my money.  But I do still stand by what I say and will do the same things with my own children that I have done with LM for the last two years.  This post is not meant to judge or come across as though I am "above" anyone.  It's simply to share what I have learned in my six years of teaching, two years as a nanny, and many more years as an aunt, Sunday School teacher and babysitter.  This post is not directed towards any one particular person, nor was it written in response to any one incident.  It's just something I've been thinking about lately and thought I'd share.  It's my blog, so I can! :)