If you are friends with Michael on facebook, then you may recognize the title. This is what he called our little poop incident.
This is one of those stories that is probably best told in person. It's the kind that my family beg for me to tell. I'm not sure how writing it out on the blog will work, but it's just too funny to pass up. Hopefully I can write it in a way that you will find it as funny as we did and not just file it under "I guess you had to be there".
Our dear little child came into this world not wanting to eat or poop. She had two meconium diapers in the first day, but then didn't have another one for a long stretch of time. I mentioned yesterday that the nurse had to assist her on Saturday morning. When we got discharged from the hospital, they told us that she needed to have another meconium diaper by the end of the day. She did not.
Not only did she not have another one on Saturday, but she did not poop at all on Sunday as well. I knew this wasn't good, but wasn't exactly sure what to do. She also had not pooped on Monday when we went to the doctor. The doctor told us we needed to stimulate her rectum with a q-tip or rectal thermometer and some KY jelly. Mmmm... fun, huh? The joys of being a parent!
So Monday night I did this and we got a meconium diaper. Woo Hoo! Neither Michael nor I had ever been so happy to see poop! :) Then came Tuesday. Guess who still wasn't pooping on her own? So I did the whole q-tip and KY thing again, but got nothing. (For whatever reason, I think I was more scared the second time around and didn't put it in far enough to do anything.)
I really didn't want to keep going about things this way, but I knew that it was not good she wasn't pooping. At this point she was suppose to be having 3 poopy diapers a day and she hadn't poop for 48 hours. Also, the doctor told us all meconium needed to be out of her body by day 5 and we were on day 6. So Wednesday night I once again "stimulated her rectum" with the q-tip and KY. I handed her off to Michael and went to the kitchen to get something to drink. Not five minutes after I handed her off he was saying, "If that wasn't pooping, I don't know what is". She had been having lots of gas all along, so I went to peak in her diaper to make sure it was indeed poop. Boy was it. I said, "This is a two person job for sure".
We took her into the nursery. We have disposable pads on the changing table. We laid her down on that and I began changing her diaper. It was a TON and was a crazy consistency. It was the last of the meconium mixed in with breast milk poop. I had never seen anything like it. I made a few comments like "Oh my goodness" and "holy cow" or something like that. This was not a good idea on my part. It sent Michael into a bit of a tizzy. He kept saying "What?" and "You being taken back is making me nervous". His reaction was making me laugh. I kept telling him to stop it or I was going to pee my pants.
I got her almost all cleaned up and had the new diaper underneath. There was just one more little spot closer to her back. I lifted her legs up to reach the area and wipe. That's when the fun began. She started pooping right there and then. I said something like "Whoa" and tried to catch it in the clean diaper. You can only imagine Michael's response. He started freaking out a bit. I'm pretty sure he was sort of pacing behind me. I was laughing so hard at his response that I was bent over trying to hold my pee in. Tears were streaming down my face. All of the sudden I hear him say in a some what panicky voice, "What can be done?". It was all down hill from there.
Don't worry about Olivia. She was as content as can be. She probably felt the best she had felt since birth getting all that out of her. I waited until I thought she was done and then wrapped that diaper up and cleaned her off. Unfortunately, she was not done. This time there was no diaper to catch it. Not to be graphic in talking about poop, but it came out in a swirl looking like soft serve. Michael was now on the other side of me (from his pacing) and said, "It's like a freaking play doh factory in here". Yeah, I peed my pants. Seriously. I'm not too proud to admit it either. I had no bladder leaking issues all of my pregnancy. I had no bladder control issues postpartum up until that point. However, with all the pooping and Michael's one liners and the hilarity of it all, I could not hold it in. Thankfully, things were in place for postpartum healing and I didn't make a mess--if you know what I mean. :)
I told Michael he needed to get rid of the disposable pad and put a new one down. I'm pretty sure he was in shock. Never in a million years could he have been prepared for this. He took the pad, but didn't know what to do with it. It ended up in my bathroom sink!?!? Just when he got the next pad down... guess who pooped again!?! I guess that's what happens when you hold it in for 2 days. This time it made noises and bubbles accompanied it. I have no idea what Michael said, but I was still bent over the changing table laughing. My face was soaked from the tears I was crying. I SO wish the whole thing would have been video taped. I'm convinced we could have made some money. All of the sudden Michael grabbed the giraffe off the back of the changing table (no where near the poop) and said, "This should not be here!" Yeah. That was helpful. I am working on cleaning up poop #4 and he is worried about a stuffed giraffe!
I had another diaper laying on the pad waiting for everything to be pooped out. Michael picked it up and said, "Ugh, why is this wet?" It was literally wet from my tears. I laughed so hard that I wet myself and my tears wet a diaper. Michael admits that he was probably more of a hindrance than a help. Really, all he did was remove the disposable pad twice. While that was necessary, his one liners, distraught demeanor, pacing, and shock caused me to lose it. Oh well. It's one for the books.
Things finally settled down and we got a clean diaper on Olivia. That was the last time we had to use a q-tip and KY. I'm hoping we never have to use it again.
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